7-7-14

Oh you’re so funny you should start writing a blog they say, yes but didn’t blogging reach it’s peak in like 2009 and isn’t it now 2014? So here goes after two coffees and multiple spoons of peanut butter straight from the jar (nuts are full of inspiration) I shall explain my life in a nutshell, right peanut butter is finished let’s crack on and no more nut jokes!

 

I never read blogs, apart from A Model Recommends oh and Food Babe but they aren’t really blogs are they? they’re more people I relate to telling me about things I want to know about and I’m not getting constant notifications that they’ve updated their blog. Also they don’t fit the criteria of what I imagine a blogger to be, which is some super trendy young one, sitting in a cafe in Hackney sipping some sort of herbal tastes like piss tea for 4 hours while furtively tapping away on their Mac looking super smug while their retarded, sorry stupid ugly milk bottle glasses fall down their nose!

 

Ok enough of the blogger bitching. Let’s focus on what really is important here and that is me. I am me, yes you heard it right I am me who else would I fucking be? My favourite word is fuck, hence ‘whatrhymeswithduck.com’ so if you are easily offended you can just go… you get it, off now!

 

I am currently without a lover, a partner, a soulmate, a someone to prepare dinner for, a someone that makes my friend’s feel less awkward whenever I am in polite company, whatever that means i.e. I give people nightmares or I become their secret project at their wedding. I can hear it now “FFS she’s still single, who the fuck am I going to seat her next to because everyone at my wedding is in a pair, like they should be” or “Oh darling she’s still single let’s sit her next to your charming cousin Dave who has the slight weight and flatulence problem and only likes to speak with his mouthful, I’m sure they will hit it off.” I do not have a problem being set up on blind dates, as long as they realise I have standards and need to have something in common with people. You see the problem with internet dating now a days is this, years ago going on a blind date was a big deal and your supportive friend’s would at least take a few seconds to consider who they were setting you up with, they may think for a second oh wait she did once mention that being a scabby fuck was a no no, so maybe we better not set her up with tight-arse Tim! But now a days internet dating is the norm friends think fuck it, sure let’s all throw enough shit against the wall in the hope that something sticks. And sure why wouldn’t she settle for some loser, who beats the living daylights out of her after one-to-many, sure it’ll be grand and then she won’t be on her own anymore!

 

Standards people, I have standards!!!! That is why I am not very unhappily married right now with some enfant terrible screaming at me to wipe it’s scabby arse!  I do love children, adore them and they love me, I have the baby gift. I just have no interest procreating with some bloke who is wrong for me and would result in a child that I half love, ie the half that’s mine, the half that’s his, would be screamy and have the scabby arse.

 

So I go on dates, Tinder dates, blind dates, dates with people I kissed while drunk, dates with people I vaguely know on Facebook as we once met at a work event. And you know what none of them have gone anywhere!!!

 

Why? because I am the three date girl. I go on the first date and I think oh, I don’t know you are kind of cute and you still have all your teeth and you could be better if I washed your clothes, actually binned your clothes, cut your hair and stop, you can’t change a man. And you go through the niceties you tell your life story they tell theirs, I’m sure there are more men in this world that I’ve told more of my life story to than friends I socialise with on a regular basis.

 

Date 2, because I knew I didn’t want there to be a date two but my friends all say you know I really didn’t like Ben on our first date but I went on a second date and look at us now all smug and married and pretending to be madly in love. So I go and I get drunk and I visualise that yeah maybe I could do this pretending to be mad about each other couple thing if I close my eyes and remain mildly drunk most of the time.

 

Date 3 this is dependent on date two but probably could entail sleeping with them, although this hasn’t happened at all recently, bar two pro sports players which require a separate blog entry (oh I’m a blogger now am I). Anyway the sex usually involves going back to theirs getting even more blind drunk and then getting jiggy with it, which is usually shite, honestly some men are so bad in bed it’s unbelievable. I blame all those women who fake orgasms, you are letting them get away with it! You try to guide them and they do it for a bit then go at your clit like some sort of woodpecker!!

That is why I gave up on one night stands, it wasn’t feeling dirty or shameful afterwards, no it was the bitter disappointment that some idiot had the pleasure of getting his rocks off with your body and you were left massively underwhelmed, staring at the curtains while Romeo snored away in post coital bliss while my blood boiled!

 

And so they must sense from me that I have no fucking interest I tried to fake interest for up to three dates and sometimes even four and you know what, I can’t just go out with myself! There is nothing worse than going on a date and spending the night laughing only to realise an hour in that yes you are laughing but you are laughing with yourself and him laughing at your joke, quib, personal mortification story and they are offering nothing in return just their laughter, not some funny little story they have about the time they accidentally emailed the entire global list in work about needing a new chair for their back issue or feeding dog food to the cat and it started barking! yes that is clutching at straws but come on, I need you to give me something not drone on about transfer pricing and something to do with your job that involves me falling asleep with my eyes open!

 

Personality, good looks and knowing what to do in bed, have these three and you will get past date four!